Doing as I am told.

Oh Amy !

Amy Winehouse. After reading around, from bloggers here and googled sources, I come to see that Amy Winehouse was too far gone to make the turn back. She was already living the high pub drinking life in local indie band circles before she made it big in America. Hence she stood virtually no chance against further  pressures of fame and the psyche tearing relationship stuff. If the only person who understood her as she said was  her ex husband,  caught in burglary and brandishing a toy gun and sent to jail recently, then really what hope does she have ?

As she stood as a surprise guest at her goddaughter’s concert, not singing but some light dancing  in accompaniment,  I can only imagine what she felt up there, the whole world of difference, where it all began, the naive, freshness of youth vs her very own ravished life. Young she may be, at 27 but the hell that she had gone through and the darkness she was living in where no man, woman or child should go or be, how far that distance, how far she had gone, seeing that, how far the chasm to humanity and the joy of life, the existence of it. How futile it must seem to consider even closing the gap.

Even the hit songs she sang,Rehab- n0 n0 n0. Back to black, back back, black. Can you imagine how every time she sings it, she is burning repeatedly into her brain like a hypnosis, no to rehab, no to rehab? And no matter how good she may feel, she would always go back to black black black, as songs have great emotional power, and she sings for real. Her own hit songs, written in earnest as she wrote true to her feelings, became a repeated mantra that would keep her cursed in that hell that she was in. Can you imagine, if she would sing all the concerts in her european tour, ‘I’m no good’, ‘I’m no good’, how can she possibly survive that repeated self cursing? Her remaining ounce of self preservation must have kicked in, slurred those trapping words and kicked her off the tour.

In the end, she was in too deep, she  was all alone.  No sane person could ever  have understood the place where she stood.  There was nothing to come back for. She’d reached the furthest of her power, freedom, the deepest depth of experience . She’d lived real, rich and too fast, arriving at emptiness, meaninglessness of it all. There was no one there, no one of her soul. No one  to come back to.

She died leaving 8 million pounds sterling and upwards in continuing future earnings.


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