Doing as I am told.

Creating Bugs

Can I write if I don’t feel? This is so foreign to me that I don’t know how to answer it. According to being Number 4 , I am not sure I accord to that number but it seems to fit the things I have been going through so, so I shall explore it. Feeling is our meaning of existence. If there is nothing to feel, we create our own melodramas just to feel. I have laughed about this on occasions when I noticed it. But for some other instances, I am not so sure. If I had to feel everything to my extreme bones, that does not leave me a lot of breathing space for anything else does it ? Even if I said, I shall withdraw from all these stimulus, from the Number 4 (enneagram) that I read, I seem to be capable of making stimulus right from within my own mind. That is when it becomes self eat self. Those artsy fartsy types end up killing themselves remember?

So I have been following recommendations for Number 4s. Get back in with people.  So I did. Joined up with a noisy class of self defense people. I wasn’t even going to try to master the art like I normally would. My focus is great. When I want to learn something physical, my zoom in is locked on. But this is not the point so, I shall remain unfocused. Just be with the noisy people while not necessarily necessitating direct involvement with them.

Since Number 4s do not have natural filters, that is why we feel everything to its depths, we have to learn to put up artificial ones. The recommendation is if anything that comes our way demanding our ‘feel’, to give it a once over. Yes relevant, no discard.

So I went to the class, came back, with more stuff awaiting me at my abode, stuff that would urgently seek my feel participation, but I decided their worth, stay put at the door. So it’s been pretty weird. It bugs me that I am not bugged the same way. Ya know?

It really is strange because there I was still creating a bug. I could feel them bugs knocking at my door.

So I wake up early, unsure if I was that uncomfortable. But I found my brain due to not wanting to be bugged, decided to go gung ho and get on with my to do list. I was like, is that a problem? But I see that it was perhaps leading me to productive things that would bring more of a reality to my ‘feels’.

Number 4s, like to disengage so that they can have private moments with their ‘feels’. See the problem? It can get too insular.

Somehow being bugged made me feel important, gave me a sense of self, for I feel, like an exoskeleton, filled up my day to save me the boredom of existence, gave me problems to solve, I was pretty good at it. But after a while, I noticed that it was never ending.That got boring. Nothing accomplished.

So back to feeling, it is strange not to feel the same things. I think this may be a good thing. It is not so much not to feel anything which I was concerned about, but leaving me to properly feel the important relevant things.

I feel so much I don’t actually connect, if you know what I mean. I am too overwhelmed. That’s the irony.

So tone down the feels so that I can feel exactly what’s important.

***************

This should be two blogs instead of one.

A few hours later I was on to my to do list. I did not give myself any opportunity to brood on anything. True enough, when an oppotunity came, I was in gentle tune with the other, all very pleasant.

I did feel that all my brooding days were over. Time to Do days ahead. Where did those brooding days come from? When I was considered a seven, always into adrenalin and activities, never stopping. Sevens are considered to be escaping from the stillness of themselves. So I began to cultivate the stillness of myself. See what happened? It got turned into moodiness. A Number 4. Isn’t that interesting ?

Of course, I must mention that I don’t take these test seriously, just as a guideine, an awareness factor and possible intervention.

So from Number 4 where does that healthily go  to ? Number 1. Lead, teach and trailblazing. Isn’t that great?

Looks like it is all going to be good. Not as I feared as I begin to transmute the platform of 4.

 

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