Doing as I am told.

All Else is Irrelevant

I don’t always know what to think

Therefore I don’t always know what to write.

I actually like not knowing what to think

It means I have nothing to think about

Which is a good thing.

***

Once upon a time

I used to say that I am like this and I am like that.

Now I can’t even say that.

Because I evolve so quickly that what I said may no longer mean anything.

Perhaps I can say this. I am as the the truth that I have understood today.

***

Maybe I can say this

I used to react very badly to certain things.

Later I found out that I could trust my reaction

because it does indicate very clearly that something is very wrong.

So now, instead of reacting, I can see clearly what is wrong

So I don’t react.

Guess what happens.

Because I don’t react, the other thinks that it’s not a problem.

So it seems that I have to react

to show that it is a problem.

But I later mentioned with an exaggerated tired sigh

why do people want to force people into reactions

by responding with care only when there are reactions?

Why does not the person be conscientious himself to hold himself with containment?

***

Today I understood the Meaning of Life

After decades of searching deep and high, wide and shallow

It is simply this

What do you get up for in the morning ?

***

Today also I had a new kind of experience

I can be mad at a certain thing or someone

but contain it within that certain thing or someone

and continue in serenity participating in class.

It is weird for me

because when I am upset, it means I am upset at the whole entire world

and my whole evening is spoilt, or my whole classroom experience is spoilt and I would never want to go back again.

But today I experienced it different.

Like I said, my fight class, I never know how I feel about it.

The experience is not consistent.

Sometimes I love it, sometimes I wonder what I am doing there.

Today I got upset at certain conditions and people because I just wanted to train and I was bothered by them.

But one of the instructors went to tell the other instructor that I was unhappy with and he came out to explain the situation for me. I told him that it was an organizational thing, that I was going to encounter it again and again because their arrangement was such. Then quickly I changed the subject, I said, ok, remedy this by showing me this one technique.I looked back at the other trainer who was smiling away, knowing that I was giving him a way out, and a way for us both to quickly get it over with because he knows that all I want to do is to get on with learning and practice and not politics stuffs.

He showed me half, and then left me.

He thought I was just half baked.

But no. I remember.

Yes, I will remember with him, or some other students,

otherwise, I think by now I understand that I am there to learn

to practice, hopefully to have some fun, but if not, then to learn and to practice because that itself is my pleasure.

So in a few hours of these multiple occurences

I learnt that I will go back again next time

again

and again.

And what I can expect each time

is that I won’t ever know how I will feel about anything or anyone.

But that I will know is I will leave the place having gained something.

Some refinement to the technical skills.

All else I can interact with, react accordingly

war with you, laugh with you, ignore you

At the end of it, what do I leave with ? Is what will be the constant.

So this is my conclusion and understanding for now.

It could be different next time.

I wouldn’t know until I know.

Until then, this is how I am.

***

So for now,

what gets me up in the morning ?

I don’t really know

Probably wondering what truths and insights I will get

from the day’s experience.

But because life ends in the blink of an eye

and if the meaning of life is as deep and complex

as what gets me up in the morning

then all else of life can’t really matter.

All those big big issues and dramas.

So let me keep an eye on what get’s me up in the morning

and I hold till the evening

That’s what matters.

All else is irrelevant.

(tempers, drama, upsets, inconsiderate peoples, dumbasses)

 

 

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