Doing as I am told.

Merrily, merrily Life rolls along

Today, I feel claustrophobic. Maybe this Moment is the word to use, because Today implies a Future of the coming hours where the way I feel may not be true. This Moment, as a time reference is too short, I feel it signifies nothing, because the way I feel does not refer only to this moment, it feels to me Now and Forever. Such is the dramatization that my brain is capable of.

I feel claustrophobic of life. I feel hemmed in by the limitations of life and its lifespan. I feel frustrated and incredibly limited by my One life and its Lifespan. I feel life has so much, it is so rich, and I feel that.

I suffer from an overabundance of choices. Rich isn’t it? I am frustrated. I want to be part of everything. I want to do everything. I want to be good in everything. But due to the limitations of my One life, and it’s lifespan, I can only do so much. Mind you, it isn’t little what I have achieved. Not at all little….. but that incredible mastery that I have, the joy that I gain, the rewards of painstaking focused steadfastness, the experiences that I gained, is but a mere pittance to the whole of life and its abundance.

Sigh, sigh and sigh.

Life, I grasp life, And yes, I get to grasp it, but the moment I do, it slips away from me again, teasing me. Yes I get to hold and own what I grasped, but life mocks me. What I hold in my hands, my treasure, is but a pittance, such an incredible insignificance.

I struggle. I want to fight life. I want to say, you are so mean, you are so unfair.

You are so much, but I can only be a part of so little. so very little…

So yesterday, I suddenly toyed with the idea of immortality, something that I used to pooh-pooh about. I don’t get to try everything, I don’t get to be everything. Life will just keep going whether I laugh or cry, do or don’t and I will drop dead. It is inevitable.

I am so big, yet I am so small, life just waits for no one, it rolls merrily along, tick tock, tick tock, you can’t stay mad at it, for it is not personal. You can ride along with it, hop off when it’s time, or stay aloof and apart in a huff, it matters none to it, It is impersonal, it is rich in abundance, you take from it, you leave it, you fight it, you roll with it, it will just keep going.

The futility of my frustration. I can’t even get mad at life, sad at life. Nothing. Life invites, all its fruits are free, just hop on, take, get, learn, experience all you want.

Take it, leave it, it matters not to life.

Sigh. Such is the melancholy of me Today.

 

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