Doing as I am told.

End of Postaday……

End of Postaday. No bang no nothing. just a disappearance. No prize for the winners. No mention. No nothing. Just Oblivion.

I have found that my writing does change as to whether it is made public and when it is read. There is a tendency to want to write toward the people reading it, or the opposite.

I wanted to test my writing against people’s response. It is quite difficult. I wanted to write freely, but I was very well aware there are many readers out there  and based on what is written, since my opinion does come pretty strong, I feel that I have to hold back, and even that has seepage.

Since I am also rubbing myself to life to see the possible responses, being part of Postaday did contribute that for me. I found out what I am like and what I am unable to stand. I find that a social community is quite that, social, and I am not inclined to be sociable.

So writing in Postaday has been part of a journey of taking a look at myself.

But perhaps I will write more taking a look backwards, so I can still legitimately post it under Postaday2011.

Now this should be interesting.

If I were to say 2012, I wouldn’t have a project yet at hand, rather, a continuation of the same theme. A journey of revelation of self through blogasphere. But what has happened is that I am feeling very comfortable with the little buttons and themes and forums  and links and embeds and actually posting anything. So it has been good.

For the year 2012, my book to write  that I have been talking for years, that would be my real project. Postaday 2011 led me there and I feel comfortable now writing for public consumption.

Strangely for me, in the blog, I am happier when I have little readers and followers, because I when I write, I have something to say. But if I want to keep readers, I would need to be popular. I would need to censor and put on a public face. Which like a politician, or anyone normal, should be desirable for the sake of civility. But I do feel that I have something to say so  I need to say it.

So why don’t I say things outright ? Well, since this is a journey also of self discovery, the psychoanalyst in me also wants to know why. One of the reasons is that I am not speedy. It takes me much contemplation and repeated observation before I come to a conclusion, so a little line from me can have taken a long time to get there. And once I get there, it might take me another long time to get another line from me, I mean from me and not just taking someone else’s jewels and calling it my own big idea. That would include old ideas or adages even. It’s got to be mine through experience before I would lip-sync it to someone else and call it a book.
What else. Surely I love the attention and the accolades and approval, but at the same time I don’t like to get involved because I don’t like to get involved with dramas. Some of which due to my own sensitivities, like very sensitive, would be the reaction that causes the reaction of others. See, even this sentence I have to look at again. Straightforward truth speaking  vs high receptive sensitivity.They are not very complementary.

For this morning, I have actually come to feel that my personality or what it has shaped into does  have a much better place in writing. My personality is strong, I am very sensitive,  my mind is strong, my intellect is well, I have very little patience for nonsense ( that being relative ) and I choose  healthy evolution over keeping the status quo even if it is not so healthy and not the best.  I mind my own business unless I see someone else really hurting, or struggling with something that I can quickly help with then I’ll step in. Otherwise I tend to leave everything else alone, especially engines already running smoothly.

So I think the ingredients above do not fit me in socially since I am not really interested in dinners and social talk. Even when I play sport, there is an element of learning in it. So, social is secondary for me. Or tertiary. I will stop the social if it bothers me. So you see, my fight class has been bothering me like crazy and it has come to a head that I have to quit, because it makes no more sense to me already to continue attending.

At the moment that is where I am. If my personality has been found with a defect, that’s because my attention is on something else more important to me and I am on a mission to correct that within my sphere of influence.

The fracture of the family and the effect of the resultant grown up kids  in society.

That will be the legacy I will leave behind.

It’s only a small part, very tiny, because the earth being a jungle, cockroaches and weeds can survive and seed just about anywhere, no rules or niceties needed.

I am talking of if one had a choice. I will give them that choice.



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