Stream of Consciousness for 20 minutes.
It was fun and free. Now it is a pressure. So what on earth am I doing participating in Writing 101 ? That’s because I enjoyed Blogging 101 and I enjoyed Photo 101, so when Writing 101 came along, it was automatic that I’d sign up.
Stream of consciousness writing is supposed to be freeing. But I feel the pressure and I am not too fond of it. I’d rather have a topic. And free form from that. How do you free form something from nothing?
In my life, I am blessed with tremendous choices, and since I like them all, it is quite difficult to settle on any one thing. So I move my life in all these directions, gaining basic knowledge and experience in a wide variety of things, but not too deep into any, except for the work that I do. But then in these variety of things, I began to pierce through life. I went deep into life, to understanding life and people, through these wide variety of things that I touch and experience.
Since I am free flowing talking, it is unnecessary for me to to explain. But even then, how can you explain life itself ? How do you reduce the explanation of life into ? Such has been my query about life for many years. As I moved in life, as I moved through life, through it’s tragedies, common place tragedies ( yes, terrible isn’t it?) , through it’s drama, through it’s colors, I began to get a sense about it. Especially as I got older in years.
So you see, if I were to write, it would be about life. But then like I said, life needs no explanation. Life itself will show you what it is. But it is our brain that seeks to know what life is, because if we understand life, we feel that we have a little bit more control over things, so in our tragedies we are better able to cope. We control our understanding of things. Whether those explanations are really so, it doesn’t really matter, because to us, it matters only if we didn’t feel so awfully bad. And that we can carry on and move forwards in our life.
So this is coming up to my 20 minutes of free writing minus three paragraphs that I erased because it was just too difficult to start. Difficult to start to open the hose of my stream of consciousness, and I have 2 minutes to spare.
I felt my own breathing. I felt like I was on my own ventilator. I felt my chest rising and falling with every movement of my breath.
I feel it was because of this ventilator that I can explore all of the world.
What a strange feeling. I have my own personal ventilator to bring with wherever I go.
Without this ventilator I have nowhere to go. Nothing to do. I cannot have a physical vehicle for anything. Nothing doing.
What is normal?
Buggaroos in the way.
Buggaroos learning to keep their boundaries.
Exciting life on the one hand, moments of Grrr on the other.
Dealing with unjusts.
Keeping very busy, busy with so many possibilities.
Nothing is too important over the other.
Today, I feel claustrophobic. Maybe this Moment is the word to use, because Today implies a Future of the coming hours where the way I feel may not be true. This Moment, as a time reference is too short, I feel it signifies nothing, because the way I feel does not refer only to this moment, it feels to me Now and Forever. Such is the dramatization that my brain is capable of.
I feel claustrophobic of life. I feel hemmed in by the limitations of life and its lifespan. I feel frustrated and incredibly limited by my One life and its Lifespan. I feel life has so much, it is so rich, and I feel that.
I suffer from an overabundance of choices. Rich isn’t it? I am frustrated. I want to be part of everything. I want to do everything. I want to be good in everything. But due to the limitations of my One life, and it’s lifespan, I can only do so much. Mind you, it isn’t little what I have achieved. Not at all little….. but that incredible mastery that I have, the joy that I gain, the rewards of painstaking focused steadfastness, the experiences that I gained, is but a mere pittance to the whole of life and its abundance.
Sigh, sigh and sigh.
Life, I grasp life, And yes, I get to grasp it, but the moment I do, it slips away from me again, teasing me. Yes I get to hold and own what I grasped, but life mocks me. What I hold in my hands, my treasure, is but a pittance, such an incredible insignificance.
I struggle. I want to fight life. I want to say, you are so mean, you are so unfair.
You are so much, but I can only be a part of so little. so very little…
So yesterday, I suddenly toyed with the idea of immortality, something that I used to pooh-pooh about. I don’t get to try everything, I don’t get to be everything. Life will just keep going whether I laugh or cry, do or don’t and I will drop dead. It is inevitable.
I am so big, yet I am so small, life just waits for no one, it rolls merrily along, tick tock, tick tock, you can’t stay mad at it, for it is not personal. You can ride along with it, hop off when it’s time, or stay aloof and apart in a huff, it matters none to it, It is impersonal, it is rich in abundance, you take from it, you leave it, you fight it, you roll with it, it will just keep going.
The futility of my frustration. I can’t even get mad at life, sad at life. Nothing. Life invites, all its fruits are free, just hop on, take, get, learn, experience all you want.
Take it, leave it, it matters not to life.
Sigh. Such is the melancholy of me Today.
Today is a strange day. Well every day is a strange day to me, because everyday is different, the chemistry between me and the day.
Today I am quite happy. Is it the fact that I get to sit in the semi shade of the trees and still getting part of the sun while sipping hot tea and reading a book by the sidewalk, feeling the cool breeze of the outdoors? For a moment, I am in a lifestyle, a holiday in a place far away, just reading a book.
But I love the weather. Cool wind but with the warm sun on my skin.
Today I went to fight class. I went there and stood again. It seems that I need very little attention of my teacher, I just ask him what I need, he corrects and teaches me in great detail, and he can leave me on my own because for the next 2 hours after that, I am just practising that one movement. Then I met another off duty trainer who was there practising too. I could feel his genial love. So my genial love and his genial love met and if you were watching a Japanese anime, then there might be warm fuzzy love that extends to the corners of the universe. He is a powerful fighter but he trains and teaches with love and a smile. Everybody loves him, actually sometimes so much that I get jealous !
Actually, the love I talk about is the universal love. The kind that encompasses all. When your heart is full of such love, and you connect or meet another also of such love, the effect just spreads out wide open.
He was kind, he gave me kind words of me giving without expecting back. I replied I am not altruistic, give me stuff and nonsense and..( I showed him my fist)
I told you I am exploring Love, and I find it just grand. Really fantastic grand.
I told you I had problems with Time, so I decide to do without it. Well I need it for purposes of communication with another human being, but for myself, I am dropping that concept. I read today that a flower that blooms only for a day, transforms in that day. But a rock transforms also by weather and elements over time. So time is immaterial, transformation takes place. Everything in its own time. All beautiful.
I am not so laid back a person because for somethings my standards are really high, and I can get really aggressive push, especially when it comes to the self, but this helps me understand that, where it doesn’t take my push and not within my control, let it unroll itself. Time does not matter. Only with time is there Pressure. Pressure is destructive when it is not applied with care and purposefully.
Man, I love physics. I am so glad that one scientist had a talk with me at the request of my mom, a family friend, he said to me, choose science, not commerce or arts. And am I glad I did so. I have quite a scientific mind which works great with a floaty mind. But I do love crime solving and forensics and who dunnit?
My, do I digress. But do I love my life. It is so interesting. (To me obviously)
Did I mention in my about page that I am puzzled by life? Well, I guess a long way I have come from that day when I started my Postaday2011, somewhere in the middle of it.
Life is curiously too interesting.
I am not sure what to write today, I am pretty much in a mellow mood. Must be because of all these great vibes that comes from all these giving thanks.
I am in the mood where my mind floats itself, towards the direction of tweaking little somethings, that will significantly affect the direction of my life.
You know the kind I mean, you sorta tweak your vibes a little, frequencies a little higher and you know that the not so awesome stuff will have to get left behind. Bye bye, good riddance !
Oh, how much pleasure I have in this thought.
I love ice skating, I love when my fight class lets us play. I love to play and laugh and have plenty of fun. I love my incredible mind. I love chatting with people and seeing them take their rightful places in the world, as World Effectors. World Affectors ? Effect, affect. Hm. I love engaging with people and having fun.
Yes, surely my vibes must shift. Just that little bit will make all the difference. Shift the tuning. A little to the right, we leave that old channel, we go on to more exciting fun channels.
Fun and laughter and play.
Write something I care about ? Something from yesterday’s topic? Something I couldn’t be bothered anymore to want to write about?
Life and Death.
Are you living?
Are you a Living Dead?
I met up with an old pal of mind whom I knew since we were in our older teens.
We met up every so often, once every few months, or once a year, but we met up.
We’d trade stories, hers was a settled life very much the kind you read about. The good kind, the ideal kind. She made it happen that way.
I was more the adventurous type, off the beaten path, well, sanely beaten path,
exploring life and the freaks of the mind.
I explored humankind through the experiences of my own life, thinking, feeling, reflecting, experiencing
And comparing that with society’s norms and representations.
I questioned everything that didn’t make sense that other people seemed to accept as truth. Well, other people’s fine senses did the economy in didn’t it?
I learnt how ludicrous people can be and righteously so.
I looked at my own unreasonable illogical ways.
I found that my unreasonable illogical ways has its own wisdom and intelligent path that brought me deep understanding and joy of life sitting in my own skin comfortably while the world can go to pots around me.
I found it laughable and weird that I sweated not the big stuff but the really teensy petty stuffs.
Like here’s one, I am not afraid to die, ready to die at anytime, all things sorted but having a bit of a problem knowing what to do with life. Life Everyday.
So I looked for answers. Yes the great bible. Through and through 3 times through the new testament and one time through the whole entire old testament. Boring really, which king did what and was good, the next king came over and it was bad. etc. So yes anyone wanna throw quotes out at me, better know what they are talking about personally. I mean hey, if all you can say is only bible verses then leave me alone. I can read too. You got anything innerestin to say yourself? Are you anybody or just a clone ?
I lived it for a bit, but no fulfilling answers to an intelligent seeking mind.
So experiencing life, questioning, living life, noting life, questioning. I explored other ancient texts modernized and looked for possible glimmer of reasonable explanations, those that goes straight to the heart and has it say ‘Yeah’. ‘oh no wonder’.
I tried this, dabble that, examined life through the life span. Kids, adults, old age.
So my main question would be, what is life all about? What’s the big deal? What’s with the Joneses ? What’s all this slogging for a home then retire and go die?
So I became pretty preoccupied with Death.
If you have to Die, why do you got to live?
What’s the whole point of life if you just end up gotta die?
And if you’re gonna die, then how do you die? Miserable clinging to life?
Die gloriously and gracefully ?
There is this book, I bought for its name. Not that I read it. I bought two of them actually, because I couldn’t find the first one. I bought it for the main point. The Tibetan Book of the Dead. Don’t ask me what’s in there, I never got around to reading it. But its this : To know how to Die is to know how to live. I thought about that for a long time.
Don’t be so disgraceful, to die clinging to life.
I mean hey, if you managed to live long and have hair whiter than any one elses, then be a shining example and lead the way. Don’t cling to the young afraid of that end? What’s the young/younger gonna know about the other side? You are closer to it. How they gonna help you ? You should be the one leading the way, so that the younger know not to be afraid and to live life gracefully.
But what do we find instead? The old competing with the kids for attention. The old hanging on to their glory of yester years. Hey tell me some fresh glorious news for today. The old hanging to the young for dear life.
Grumpy, complaining, miserable. That the result of the many scores of living years? That’s a miserable waste of a whole life lived.
Anyway, I was talking about the meal with my old pal.
We talked about Steve Job.
We talked about a mutual friend, I was shocked with the news that her husband had died , accident, fall, head hit the rock. She was with triplets. But which is worse, for her that her husband died or that when he was living, he was two timing her and made her life a living hell?
So I said, Hey, We Win ! We are still alive !
I mean Steve Jobs lost. He worked himself to death.
Yes we win because we changed our lives however to fit with our lives. For good, or for bad, we tried it.
It was a good meeting, looking at our faces and bodies maturing, knowing we were maturing, with lots of stories behind us, we’d come a long ways, different ways maybe, but a long ways. It felt comfortable. It felt great.
I said to her, I am ready to die, I mean I lived out my main dreams already. What else is there to do? There is nothing too serious going on, nothing more to prove, I’d already done it. The rest is quite frivolous. Lighthearted. Sweating the petty stuffs. Yeah I do still get my mind all locked up and round and round.
So I had a new goal for the year to come, pare down my belongings. Live lighter and freer. The sense of freedom. Ah…
I mean the world is quite potty isn’t it? I mean how can you be serious about such madness? Hey I am not making light of the effect on an individual’s basic needs. But really! I mean hey why did the jobs go to China? The unions are a great reason isn’t it? Wanna blame the unions? Of course nobody does, but in a competitive economy, pricing and cost is a great factor. Employees should try being employers before complaining about big baddies of corporations. Try being a boss, employees actually have the easier jobs.
Adults, education, status and smart suits don’t make em smarter. Just smarter looking and convincingly so.
What’s my point? Well, I am getting to the other side too. It’s nearer to me now, it is in sight. But by golly, let me trail blaze the path, my way. I can’t set everything right, but let me set somethings straight.
What’s the reason of life? I don’t know. At least I don’t repeat the same things the same way. That makes it in the very least interesting enough. Having death in my face via other people suddenly freed me up even more to just get on with it.
Because I am quite a scaredy cat. For any of my adventures, I will hum and haw and worry and think round and round and get very scared and tremble and complain before I actually get the boot to get on with it. But I do get on with it, thankfully. Albeit having to rub my sore bum. What a kick in the butt.
And yes, with lots of stories to tell.
That is why I am on this blog. Trying to tell em. Unsuccessfully, until Scott Berkun’s topic of the day. Brilliant topic !